patients say the darnedest things

It’s been awhile since I wrote anything about my new job which is really my old job. If you’re not sure what that means, you can read about it here. And, since writing that post, the world, as we once knew it, has descended into chaos, madness and alternative facts. With that in mind, I figured we could all use a bit of a distraction in order to escape that madness, even if it’s just for a few moments. Or you could totally look at this post as a way of descending into a different kind of madness. It’s completely up to you.

Anyone dealing with the public knows how challenging it can be and, when you work in the medical field, you are also dealing with people who are not feeling well. This means that you enter into an entirely different realm of madness, delirium and inappropriate comments. It’s those comments I would like to share with you in order to distract you from the escalating madness that has become the world as we now know it. Damn you, January 20th, 2017.

Keep in mind that where I work, the doctor’s practice is limited to seeing patients who are dealing with back, hip, neck, headache issues, etc. which means that most of our patients crazy-people-_-medical-fieldare either in acute or chronic pain. This creates an an entirely different type of monster patient which, praise the high heavens, only affects a small percentage of our practice. The amount of pain that the patient is experiencing at the time may or may not influence the way he/she speaks to me, or it could be a matter that these patients do not have filters preventing them from saying inappropriate comments, or it may mean that they are just simply assholes. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference. Whatever drives them, I have put together a collection of the more ridiculous and inappropriate things that have been said to me so far.

Things I have been told when trying to schedule appointments for patients:

  • Next week would be better. My diarrhea should be gone by then. You wouldn’t want that on the exam table, now would you?
  • I can’t come that day. I have to kill my chickens then. Do you have anything a couple of days after that? They should all be dead by then.
  • Don’t be booking my husband’s appointment and mine at the same time. Isn’t it enough that I live and work with him? Do I have to go to the doctor with him too?
  • Anything is fine. Just give me the first appointment you have (which I offer). No, I can’t come then. No, that time doesn’t suit either. Nope, doesn’t work. Nope. Nope. Nope. Don’t you have anything better than that? Are you sure you know how to run that program?

not-a-mind-reader

Things I have been told and asked by patients:

  • You’re voice is too soft to be a receptionist. He should have hired somebody with a stronger voice.
  • I don’t understand those automatic flush toilets in the public washroom. I had to ‘pooh’ and the toilet flushed three times before I was done. That’s not right. Do you think it’s right?
  • At least you dress nice.
  • You got your hair cut shorter. Does that mean you can’t handle the job already?
  • You shouldn’t get any holidays. You’re new here.
  • The last time I was here there was only one person running the office. Today, there are two. Is it too much for you to handle? (The second person was a co-op student. Sigh.)
  • Would you mind telling the doctor that I haven’t showered today?
  • Do you think the doctor will know if my socks are clean or not?
  • The doctor prescribed a hot water bottle with a fleecy. Can you tell me why the fleecy? What is a fleecy?
  • I have a couple of autoimmune diseases. One is ‘sclerosis something’. It affects the lady parts after menopause. Do you know what it’s called? Do you think it will affect my knee surgery?

just-a-receptionist

Times I have been offered money, yelled at and sworn at:

  • Here’s $20.00.  Now, dance.
  • That’s just bulls**t. You don’t know what you’re talking about. (Patient was told that he would need a referral from his family doctor before seeing Dr. Who.)
  • For f*** sake, that is just ridiculous. (Patient was told that he needed to schedule an appointment for his form completion.)
  • i-want-10-billion-dollarsI’ll pay anything if you would just give me an appointment and overlook that referral rule.
  • If it’s a matter of money, just tell me how much you need and I’ll pay it. (Again, over the referral rule.)
  • I’ll read your palm for free if you’ll just give me a referral. (This fella claimed he was psychic. I was thinking that if he truly was, he would have known he was going to need a referral.)
  • WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE’LL BE AWAY ON HOLIDAYS THAT WEEK? WHAT ABOUT MY HIP? I EXPECT AN APPOINTMENT ON HIS FIRST DAY BACK. DO YOU HEAR ME???
  • WHATEVER THE HELL YOUR NAME IS, I WANT AN APPOINTMENT NOW!!!

There you have it. The best of the worst. And, in case you were wondering, not one of those comments were alternative facts. I prefer to deal with just the facts, Kelly ma’am, just the facts.

Resist the madness y’all!

(P.S.: My something new for this post was being asked each and everyone of those questions. I can honestly say that never before have I been asked anything quite like that.)